Don’t mess with Texas. It’s not for the feint of heart.
Most of the bumper stickers here read “SECEDE!” Texas is practically a foreign country, so of course it has its own gol-derned language. Here’s a start if you want to broaden your vocabulary so it’s as big as the Lone Star State. Well, not really, but here’s your Texicon anyway, y’all.
Bless his/her little heart. You can say anything about a person if you follow your statement with these four words. “She’s so fat and ugly, even her mama wouldn’t have her, bless her little heart.”
Fixin’ to. In Texas, they’re always getting ready to do something, but they never actually do it, or else they take forever to do it. “I’m fixin to take out the trash, Honey.”
Gully washer. Lots of rain.
Meadow muffin or cow patty. Cattle excrement.
Goat roper. (derogatory) A feller pretendin’ to be a cowboy.
Dad gummit (also Dag nabbit, Dawg gonnit). Curse word of exasperation used mostly by older Texans. “Dad gummit! Whairs mah chawn tabaccah?”
Shit kickers. Cowboy boots. “I got me a new pair of shit kickers at Cavender’s”
Gidder Done. Do it already. “You been fixin’ to carry out the trash for two days. Now gidder done!”
Sittin’ in tall cotton. Things couldn’t be better. “Me and Jim’re sittin’ in tall cotton ever since we won at Bingo Sunday night.”
Bidness. Business. “Som Bitch’s in the Awl bidness.”
Som Bitch. Son of a bitch.
Kin ah hep yeh? Can I help you? Question most often asked by gun sales personnel at Carter’s Country when a customer walks in the door.
Choke strap. If a Texan tells tells you he’s looking for his choke strap, don’t panic. He’s looking for his tie,
Plowin’ new ground. Trying something new.
You done got yer tail over the fence. No use talking to you until you’ve cooled down.
Burnin’ Daylight. Wasting time.
Cut to the quick /Shell down the corn. Get to the point and quit beating around the bush.
You’re reading my mail. If a Texan tells you this, he’s actually saying that you think alike
Name your poison/Cut one from the herd. A Texan is asking you to make a choice about something.
Mess. A Texas unit of measurement. “We fixin’ make us a mess o’chili.”
Dern near. Almost. “Ah dern near laughed mah ass off.”
Et. Ate. “Ah et the whole dern thang,”
Hollard. Yelled. “I hollard at her to hit the road.”
Smackdab inda middle. An exact Texas coordinate of latitude/longitude. “He stood smackdab inda middle of the road.”
Spell. A Texas unit of time. “Y’all set a spell.”
A hoot ‘n a holler. Close by. “The ranch’s just a hoot ‘n a holler away.”
Mosey on down. Walkin’ in a direction. “Why don’t y’all mosey on down here for a visit?”
Hightail it. Get the hell out of somewhere. “She hightailed it back to California.”
Skeedaddle. Get outta here. We gotta skeedaddle lickety split.
Lickety Split. Now.
‘Mon back. Come on back. A Texan’s way of inviting you back for a visit. “‘Mon back now, y’hear?”